So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
organizing the empties. That sober.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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