clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You are the jesus of drinking
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
