i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize