you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
