i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
