I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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