Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
