I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
