I smell stomach acid.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
