Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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