I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
