his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
