my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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