Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize