oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
