Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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