sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
