When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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