when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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