Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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