upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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