I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
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