i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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