we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
