I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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