your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
