We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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