how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
