I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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