A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
