I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
