I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
