Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
