That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize