Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So much rum. So many feels.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
