I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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