You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Found the puke drawer
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
