k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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