i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
