someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize