Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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