I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
