I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
