i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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