I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
