If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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