Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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