A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize