Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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