Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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