he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
