Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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