im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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