I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Found the puke drawer
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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