I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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