Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
