I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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